The Still Voice... an unfinished entry from Ireland

The Still Voice (from the brown leather journal during one of my visits to Ireland)

4.25.2002

There is life in love and there is love in life. So why do we cry? Why do we not look to life and let it smile back at us, filling our hearts and souls with that which is the substance of all that is? Why do we torture ourselves by looking for that which is already within us? Why do we resist that which is readily available to us at any given moment?

A day was passing badly for a man, a man who was caught in a cyclical pattern of slipping in and out of reality, moving back and forth between the delusional material world to the world of spirit. This man, who was caught up in the anxiety of trying to split his world into two distinctly different planes of existence, the spiritual and the everyday physical world - one day deeply spiritual, the next chasing a material dream – found himself walking the streets of an Irish town while, with each step upon the cobbled sidewalks, feeling the pangs of anxiety whose catalyst was the spotlight shed by the opininons of others in judgement of the character who felt himself a fraud all the many years of his life. Then, before the next step could fall upon the cobbles beneath his feet, suddenly awoke to the voice that was gaining strength daily in his being – the voice that comes welling up from the unspoken still-world of the soul and spirit. The voice came forth from the soul of the man knowing full well that no longer could it remain still and silent, for it knew that it was finally time to push the lad that one last step from the delusions that drove his anxieties into the one true reality of along the east coast … [I was distracted by something and didn’t get a chance to finish this journal entry]

Contemplation in Suzhou

Suzhou.China

6:20 PM Starbucks-GuanXianJie

Conflicted, I sit and contemplate my life’s journey as I pass the mid-point of the China Project. Part of me feels I should focus my efforts and my energy on unveiling my inner being (true ‘self’) through meditation and practice of highest virtues, and part of me feels I should live at break-neck speed on the edge while fulfilling (or trying to fulfill) all my desires, going after every ‘piece of tail’ I can.

I realize, however, that the happiest and freest I have been is when I have foregone and transcended all pleasures, all desires, all pains and emotions. One might think such a state would leave one in a state of numbness, but, on the contrary, it is a true state of bliss where you can feel all the world flowing through you at once. It is a bliss I have been privileged enough to experience; only to let it slip away as I succumbed, again and again, to the temptations that presented themselves over and over again – often (most often) at my behest.

So now I once again sit in conflicted contemplation of where I am at (in ‘being’) and where I am going.

I guess I should just relax and just ‘be’ – flowing along in my little boat (life vessel) merrily down the stream.

Focusing on The Path

- Singapore -

Focusing on our true nature, the essence of our being, is key in staying focused on the path. Too often we slip off the path because we either don't have the time or energy to focus on unveiling the "self", or, we start to make significant strides along the path, start to move beyond our suffering and even experience the miracles of an unveiled soul, so we think we are done, that we have reached the top of the mountain, and, consequently, shift our focus away from the path. But these departures from the path are always premature (unless, of course, we happen to become enlightened along the way… which is possible, but highly unlikely) and because they are premature, they inevitably lead back to the same type of suffering we had worked so hard to over come in the first place.

The key, of course, is to realize that the path has no final destination. The path itself is the destination because it provides the avenue to realizing our true nature, and the experience of unveiling that nature, while also providing the experience of experience itself, which is why we exist at all.

Life’s experience on the path is the goal, it is the destination. So don’t lose it!

Death Seems Always Lurking

– Singapore –

Death seems always close at hand.

Death seems to lurk in every shadow, around every corner, in every alley way, in every darkened doorway. So I must heed the presence of death.

Since I have already died (was supposed to have died) back in 1999, each and every day is extra; each and every day is a day that has been bestowed upon me as a miraculous gift from God. So I must take that gift and make the most of it each and every day.

There is no time for timidity, sorrow or fear. There is only time for living aggressively, on the edge.

I must focus on the Now and not worry about the past or the future. There is no stock in this type of behavior, this type of thinking, this type of feeling. There is only time for moving ahead, making the most of now and the interaction with my fellow humans.

Living life to its fullest means I am also my best for my lovable Sugie – my wife and emotional savior. I owe her my life and devote myself to her completely; her happiness is my happiness.

Just Being...

Just Being...

Here and now...

Focus on what you are at your core...

Detaching

2007.09.17 Singapore - Kent Ridge

It never ceases to amaze me how lost one can become in their ego and it's attachments, especially for those who once had found the beauty, simplicity and freedom of transcending attachments to the physical, emotional and psychological aspects of "reality".

There are some to whom come all the riches as if laid out on a platter. Someone once said to a group of us at a dinner recently "I love money and money loves me." Yet, what of those who love money yet money cares little or nothing for them? It must be in the attachment and the battle to attain. That same person also pointed out that, although wealthy, he has few clothes which he wears over and over, needs little to eat, and spends relatively no money on a daily basis for basic living and enjoyment. His enjoyment comes from learning - reading and studying - and then acting on what he has learned; exercising his knowledge on the world. And the millions keep rolling in.

So, what does that say about a man? And what does it say about the rest of us? We are all desiring more of what the world has to offer, yet so many are stuck, living life in fear instead of action.

The world keeps spinning; the rhythms of the universe keep vibrating; the great void continues to manifest; so why do so many languish in pain and fear?

We must face the great beast and smile, knowing that the beast is only us, our egos’, and that, when one is in synch with the rhythms of the universe - of existence - and aligned with all of existence and even non-existence, then everything flows naturally in accordance with our desires and our actions.

The key is to tap into the great void - the source of all manifestation - align with it, use it and let it use you as a vehicle for experiencing the physical world on it's behalf, and to let go of all fears, all negative thoughts and feelings, and just flow.

Reflection... Cycles of Life... mysterious and beautiful

Monday August 4, 2003

10:20 PM Manila – Pasig, PI

Finishing up a rather strange journey – yet another in a long string of strange journey’s in my life; life according to… ?

The cycles of life are so mysterious and beautiful. The ebb and flow, the rise and fall; so telling, yet so mysterious – so much the unknown and unknowable what lies ahead; the only known being the living each moment to it’s fullest, living from the heart, shapes that unknowable future. There in lies the excitement; there in lies the beauty of an uncertain future.

My Mind Swims with Wonder

Friday August 1, 2003
9:30 PM – Manila – Edsa, Shangrila

My mind swims with wonder at all that happens as we travel through life. Focusing on the moment while giving leave to anxiety and fear brings life into crystal clear focus, like looking through a magnifying glass at a pebble on the beach. The rest of life seems to take care of itself – the flow goes undisturbed while reality unfolds on to itself.

A Life of Grace and Charm

This life I lead continues to be one of awe and wonder, one of grace and charm. I realize the ups and downs will always be there to some extent, but, for the most part, by staying focused on the ‘now’, the present moment, and taking everything as it comes in it’s raw and unjudged state, just living the ‘is-ness’ of being, the is-ness of the situation as it arises, without judging, without fearing or worrying, we will free ourselves to the wonder of it all, for all things just ‘Are’ and what comes our way is a combination of the circumstances of certain energies coalescing at given points in time, along with the energies – their quality and strength – that are released into the quantum soup of energy and spirit, drawing to us and us to them those things, those energies that are the circumstances of our present moment.

So it is what it is – at any given moment; Therefore, in that moment – each moment – we must be the best of ourselves in the face of whatever event transpires in any moment of our lives.

And so it goes, life just flows, so with it we must flex like the bamboo outriggers of a Philippine sailboat – flexible but strong, flowing, flexing, bending and strong, keeping the boat righted in the wind; gliding the surface of the sea, cresting waves and sliding down their back side in graceful dance of life.

Sept 11 2001 Remembered - How Far I've Fallen

2007.09.11 - Singapore, Kent Ridge

It was six years ago today that I perched along side a mountain lake in Utah while events in NY were unfolding that changed the world. I was almost a different person then.

Today I find myself still battling with the currents of life, still allowing ego to dictate how I feel about, respond to and interact with the world. It is disheartening but it is a challenge. The goal and aim is to push my life, push my awareness, my true self, that which lies at the core, beyond ego, to emerge and enter into oneness with reality (or to realize its inherent oneness).

That my identification with form,or, the material aspects of existence, is so pronounced at this stage in my life is almost beyond comprehension comsidering where I was in the mid to late 90's and even into the first few years of the new millenium. The advanced stages of heightened awareness and consciousness I was achieving and experiencing seem like they were from another life time. Somehow, someway, I allowed myself to be swept away in the world of form.

My only solace now being that I know what I achieved and experienced so am optimistic about getting back to that state, then continuing to evolve from there, never to look back.

Life...

2007.07.22 Life… Singapore - Kent Ridge

Life...

Hmmm...

What a beautiful dream; but life can also be an ugly dream. How do we navigate the dream and direct it toward what happy seems.

Life is a beautifully flowing stream, but can turn ugly, dangerous and mean. How do we row our boats up and down this flowing stream? Do we push against the current in an endless struggle, fighting and at odds with the rhythms and flow of the stream, or do we work our way into a position where we are flowing down the stream, rowing gently and merrily as we go?

It is all within our individual grasps to determine how we meet the stream, or how we direct our dream? We form our relationship with the flow of life. But most times, there is an obstacle that keeps us from gently rowing down the stream or directing a happy dream - our ego. Our egos, our fragile, puny little egos are like spoiled children kicking up a fuss every time we don't allow it to take us where we need to go - and that is to flow - that's all we really need to know is how to flow.

Fighting against the current of the stream is fighting our true nature. If we let our true nature emerge from the depths of our souls and psyche, if we can somehow sweep aside the egos endless chattering, noise and distraction, we can have the most peaceful, flowing life one could ever imagine or hope for.

So, how do we flow? How do we let go?

Deep in our hearts we know. But our spoiled little ego refuses to let go; let go of the strangle hold it has on us; it refuses to acknowledge the true self and, knowing it has the upper hand because of the countless moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades that it has been shaped and nurtured by the hands of the society within which the doings of our daily existence dwells, into the beast it has become, it only tightens its grip around our lives with each challenge from within to awaken and free oneself from it's horrible little clutches.

Fear, The World Feels As Though Imploding

2007.09.10 Singapore
Fear. Why do we fear so? Why is it when we are faced with financial struggle do we find ourselves paralyzed in fear?
I have fallen into the clutches of fear and insecurity as never before. It eats away at me and has me so tighlty in its grip I can barely move. I am frozen, unable to function; unable to think or move. My only feeling is one of dread, one of fear, on of wishing I were dead.
As I was waking the other morning, this strange sense of dread started flowing into my consciousness as I began to wake; it was like a valve being opened and filling my clear, still mind that, had to that point been an empty vessel permeated by peace.
I actually find myself wondering why God didn't take my life that day in Thailand.
I find myself wishing I would have died.
I find myself wishing that all the pain were over.
I find myself wishing I could shrink my ego so that nothing mattered - that whatever life has in store for me would be merely a matter of course; the ebb and the flow would just be something I moved with, no harm in losing all, no worry about looking dumb, no angst in having to work hard, just living and experiencing, playing lifes game, dancing lifes dance.
So why... Why do I fear so. Why am I frozen in this fear induced paralysis? How can I escape this? How can I turn around the negative experiences and the capital flow (currently the capital is flowing outward faster than it's flowing inward). Where did my powers of manifestation slip off to?
I must emerge from this blue funk and regain my mastery of life.

Morning Thoughts at Timothy's in Seoul

2007.07.09 Korea - Coffee at Timothy's
Hmmm... The world, people, situations and circumsatance, the ebb and flow...
When one steps back and looks upon the world and the egos that are always bumping into each other like bumper cars at an amuzement park, one cannot help but smile - smile in amuzement at the comedy that is life. Perhaps its more like a comic tragedy.
Suffering is merely a state of mind. True suffering on a physical level is also a variation of mental/emotional suffering, which, again, boils down to a state of mind. Death is merely the end of physical form. When we as humans learn to connect with that which provides, the ultimate source of everything and every non-thing, when we learn to vibrate at the frequency that aligns us with the rhythms of the source and the universe and connect with the vibrational frequency of abundance, then an end to suffering of every kind will melt away like a stick of bitter butter on hot black asphalt.
When we die what happens? Many have pondered this. Does the life force truly die? Or, does it become the fertilizer to nourish and evolve new life force? If this is the case, our individual life energies that fertilize the collective life force becomes part of the new life forces to which it has helped create in its nourishing of the life-force breeding process?
There is no doubt in my mind (which has been substantiated in my visions) that in this vast quantum soup in which we exist, nothing is lost, all feeds all and generates new life, new energy, new potential. So death is relative. The form that carries the life force reaches the end of its life cycle then spills the force which it has contained back into the field that is spawning new life so that it can emerge again in a thousand new lives.
The way we live our lives, and the levels we attain of self-realization, determine the type of field, or life crop, we will fertilize and become a part of as they spring forth into the material world when they come to life. That is why virtue is important in ones current life cycle.
Let love rule, as Lenny sang.

Struggling in the Stream of Life... oh why...

Life...

Hmmm...

What a beautiful dream; but life can also be an ugly dream. How do we navigate the dream and direct it toward what happy seems.

Life is a beautifully flowing stream, but can turn ugly, dangerous and mean. How do we row our boats up and down this flowing stream? Do we push against the current in an endless struggle, fighting and at odds with the rhythms and flow of the stream, or do we work our way into a position where we are flowing down the stream, rowing gently and merrily as we go?

It is all within our individual grasps to determine how we meet the stream, or how we direct our dream? We form our relationship with the flow of life. But most times, there is an obstacle that keeps us from gently rowing down the stream or directing a happy dream - our ego. Our egos, our fragile, puny little egos are like spoiled children kicking up a fuss every time we don't allow it to take us where we need to go - and that is to flow - that's all we really need to know is how to flow.

Fighting against the current of the stream is fighting our true nature. If we let our true nature emerge from the depths of our souls and psyche, if we can somehow sweep aside the egos endless chattering, noise and distraction, we can have the most peaceful, flowing life one could ever imagine or hope for.

So, how do we flow? How do we let go?

Deep in our hearts we know. But our spoiled little ego refuses to let go; let go of the strangle hold it has on us; it refuses to acknowledge the true self and, knowing it has the upper hand because of the countless moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades that it has been shaped and nurtured by the hands of the society within which the doings of our daily existence dwells, into the beast it has become, it only tightens its grip around our lives with each challenge from within to awaken and free oneself from it's horrible little clutches.

At Deaths Door Step

2007.01.13 Shanghai
The digital age... How wonderful, yet, sometimes, so scary! Without it I would not be able to remain close to my beloved when away on business. But with it, the world travels at breakneck speed. At times I feel I do a decent job of keeping pace. At other times I feel woefully inadequate.

I've come to realize that I am always a moment away from my last breath. I know this is not a new realization, but I was reminded once again last night of the fragility of life while experiencing severe chest pains in the midst of fighting either food poisoning or the flu - I'm not sure which it was. I was a little scared, but not about dying, rather, I was afraid for those left in the wake of my passing to deal with the mess.

At any rate, I survived the night and woke to yet another beautiful day here on earth.

We are all just a heartbeat away from giving up this physical form. That is why we must cherish every single moment, breath and heartbeat in our journey in this physical world, in our current form. No one knows what lies beyond; but, no matter, the fact is that we have been given the beautiful opportunity to live as humans with human awareness and consciousness. The chances of our coming into being at all are trillions to one, or at least billions to one... Maybe its far greater than the former number... The point is, it is an unspeakable privilege that we must not squander.

Live each moment as if it is our last. That's all we can do! It is our duty!!!

The Gift

Keeping Death foremost in my mind is key. We all put ourselves at risk of death every moment of our lives, especially when we venture out of our homes. Many of us who have put our lives at risk either knowingly, willingly or unknowing and unwillingly, have had close encounters with death. Somehow for reasons that are not readily apparent, we survive. Some (many) do not survive, but some of us have.

The lessons taken from survival are too often dismissed, not understood and forgotten as we slip back into the daily routines that perpetuate fear and anxiety, or, at best, boredom. What we don't realize is that it is a great opportunity having survived these encounters with death. Opportunities to see and understand that, for all intents and purposes, each day that we awake is an extra day in these human forms, because odds were that we should have met with our demise - so each day is a true gift.

When we live with this realization we begin to understand that we have nothing to lose and nothing to fear because, in essence, we are already dead. Living in fear or experiencing deep debilitating anxiety is for naught - it is a waste of the gift we are given each day that we draw breath.

We, who have already died, must live every moment as if it were our last. Only then are we living in and expressing our appreciation for and of the gift